Socialisation & children who don’t go to school
A while back I was waiting in the ER with Theo to see the on-call nurse. It was a long wait and I struck up a friendly conversation with a lovely lady who happened to live in the suburb next to mine. We were laughing and chatting over our similarities, talking about our children and delighting in the interaction to pass the hours. The topic somehow turned to schooling and the fact that our children would be learning at home. My new friend became silent and then almost angry. “Oh honey, you CAN’T do THAT to your kids, you just can’t, they’ll grow up to be freaks who can’t socialise with anyone”.
I laughed and asked her if she’d had any problem socialising with me – someone who’d been homeschooled?
She was reluctant to answer “Well no, but you’re just one person, most kids turn out to be freaks when they don’t grow up with a peer group – you just HAVE to send them to school”.
When I smiled and said that was not a concern of ours the conversation turned cold. This lady was genuinely upset that I was apparently ‘intent to ruin my children’s social abilities forever’ (While I might add this lady was unable to continue the conversation with someone who had differing beliefs to her and yet she was worried about MY kids social skills? Ha).
I’ve actually found that socialisation has been the main concern and the sole arguement I have had from anyone against our children not going to school. It amuses me to some extent because you would think, from the way people go on, that the one purpose of schooling is to socialise our children. Not a single person I’ve spoken to in real life has suggested our children wouldn’t be educated well at home – no… they just won’t know how to make friends at the park.
It seems to be an accepted fact that attending school and being grouped by age with peers constitutes the normal socialisation of a child.
When I think about the standard ‘age grouped’ school socialisation historically and outside schooling – this seems anything BUT normal.
Humans are not designed to be grouped exclusively by age for the most part. Unlike many mammals we do not have our children in litters. They are designed to have a year or more gap between them. Mixed age groupings have been shown to enhance learning and productivity. When matched with children their own age kids are neither encourged to be mentors or to learn from an older child’s maturity.
Just looking at my own children Priya is constantly amazing me with her maturity and compassion for her little brothers needs. Theo is constantly suprising me by how far advanced he is compared to Priya at the same age. They work to bring out the best in each other in this way.
It is my greatest resource to have friends of varying ages and abilities. I have friends in their 50′s and friends who have just left school. When I am with people younger than me I tend to take a mothering role. When I am with people older than me I am encouraged by their maturity and act accordingly. When I am grouped with a whole bunch of people my own age and maturity we goad each other on until we’re stealing street signs from the corner (I am sadly not joking).
When I think about my children’s socialisation I want them to have friends their age but I do not want this to be their main source of interaction. I do not believe that is a healthy socialisation for a child. Children learn how to be confidant, mature adults from (surprise!) confidant, mature adults.
Errol and I would also like to to have some influence in the company our children keep. In a school system children’s peers have an incredible influence over them. Until my child is at an age where they can exercise discernment over who is a good influence for them – I’d like to have some guidance over who they spend their days with. I don’t think this is fearful parenting, I think this is my job as their parent – to provide my kids healthy interaction wherever I can. While my children are in my care – I would like to know their friends.
We want to give our children a rich socialistion with all ages, races and experience. I can’t think of a better way to do this than to keep them out of school! This leaves us free to give them access to lots of activities with other children of varying ages (through sports, art classes or musical groups etc), to let them have lots of unstructured time with their friends and siblings and to let them be involved fully in our lives and normal social interactions of society outside school.
This is the fourth post in a five part series.
If you missed the others you can find them here: What is an Education?, Natural Learning, Why school isn’t the best place for my child & Convenience & freedom
I have to totally agree with you about the age group thing in schools…its just weird!! I can remember being absolutely intimidated by the kids in the grade above me. A few years ago I was at our friends house for dinner and I found out that a guy from that older grade was also coming for dinner with his new wife…All I could think about was how to get the hell out of there…I thought to myself…”that guy is one whole year older than me…he isn’t going to want me to be here”…then I realised how uterly stupid I was being…I am married to a man 4 years older than me, our hosts where 1 year older than me and 1 year younger than me…It didn’t matter what age any of us were…we were adults…end of story. Turns out I am very close friends with this guy now and his wife and I are practically besties. School had drummed into me that I was to spend time with my peers in my grade and fear anyone older…and bully anyone younger.
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Georgia Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Agree with all of this Jo!
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Very funny, after reading your last post last night I had a bit of a revelation. There is so much pressure around me to send my kids to school I often second guess myself and my ability to educate my own children. My revelation was this: The LEAST I can do for my kids is to keep them out of the school system for as long as possible and if I provide them with an education on top of this, through loving interaction, encouragement and opportunity, I can give them the WORLD!
Thanks.
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Georgia Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Hi Johanna, thank you so much for your comment. It made me so happy that you came to that revelation, how wonderful.
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Yes, Yes, Yes! A agree 100%. Real interaction is with family and in the community not in 4 walls all day. There will never be a situation when you are an adult where you will be in a room with 30 people your exact age, nor will they be your instant friends. It is a useless “skill”.
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Georgia Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Love this comment Karen! Thank you.
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ME again! I do agree with the fact that the age separation thing is strange! I had never really thought about it. I wonder how I can change that when I’m a teacher…. (will think more and get back to you haha)
I really think that it comes down to what suits the child when it comes to socialisation. Personally, I was quite a shy child so in things like dance classes and sports I didn’t ever form relationships with the other children as that 45min session every week was not long enough to warm up to the other kids. But in the classroom having the time to get to know the other kids and become a valued member of the classroom allowed me to open up.
I’m not a mum (but want to be someday!) so I don’t know how I’d feel about my children having different friends, but I think that giving children from a young age the opportunity to play with whoever they like – is when we learn negotiation skills and begin to develop the skills to make our own choices of what is best and not best. I think most kids choose the friends that are ‘right’ for them anyway. Its a bit hard to identify which children have a negative influence anyway, isn’t it? I think an inclusive classroom gives children a look into the world around them and how their actions affect others. For every child that may not seem to be the best influence on others, they certainly have something to give – perhaps teaching the other children patience, or the ability to stand up for themselves, or stick up for others. It would take parents or the teacher’s influence to see the lesson in some cases but I like to think that children often will discern what’s best anyway.
BUT high school is probably a different story when it comes to everything I have just said! But hopefully by then they would have decided who they want to be….
Loving this series – and hope to talk more about it with you xo (I’m sure all my opinions will probably change a lot when I have my own little ones though!)
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Georgia Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Hi Sass,
Do you think you would have had the freedom and confidence to open yourself up to friends if you were given unstructured free time with other children?
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Sass Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 11:23 am
Hey George,
Probably! I think most of my friends when I was little were just mum and dad’s friend’s kids – so it was easier to open up because mum and dad were there to ‘fall back on’. But school gave me the chance to go solo and form confidence in myself. I do think that there are certainly over avenues for children to form confidence – but for me – school helped me to do so.
Also I think homeschooling is a great option! I hope my posts don’t sound negative. To have the opportunity to explore learning and experiences with your child as a way to teach is beautiful.
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Sass, yes, it is possible that by the time they need to go to high school, the kids might decide they want to do so. And I believe that in this case Georgia will send her kids to school, them being old enough to make this decision. They might also not want to, if they are not missing on social life. And home schooled kids don’t necessary do.
But I disagree that the kids can not be influenced badly by other kids their age. Many things my mom did not want me to learn I learned in school and kindergarten – to swear, to talk back… refusing to eat any food but beans was also something I somehow picked up in kindergarten. Basically any form of bad behaviour, as my parents are very calm, polite and well-behaved people and these are things I could not have learned from them.
Teachers get to teach not only literature lessons, but values and good behaviour. And not only by telling kid what to do, but by being an example themselves. And one bad teacher is enough to ruin the good picture. Again speaking from my own experience.
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Sass C Reply:
November 21st, 2011 at 10:00 am
Hi Pepa, yes certainly things like swearing children would pick up on from each other. But I suppose when I was thinking about ‘influence’ I was thinking more about things like passion for learning or respect for others — which I think would come from parents or teachers rather than peers. But I don’t know!! I’m just thinking out loud
And yes I agree that teachers have a huge responsibility to do more than simply teach skills for learning.
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I always used to wonder about the socialization aspect of homeschooling and that’s because I thought homeschooling took place at home. Um, not!
I’ve met many families who now homeschool and I cannot believe the extensive network of activities and outings they have in place. Swimming, gym, field trips, and excursions extraordinaire. It’s pretty amazing.
If I thought I’d be any good at teaching my kids, I’d keep them out of school. Alas, I’m not gifted in this area in the least and I’m not patient enough to be a teacher.
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Georgia Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:32 pm
I am interested to know what makes you think you need to be a patient teacher? My mum is not particularly patient (read not at all… hi mum!) and she managed beautifully with us
Have you thought about natural learning / unschooling ie you not taking a ‘teacher’ role?
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I really agree with your post..
Now as I have all ready mentioned; I was brought up on a boat, we sailed the world. I did not go to school and I was not home schooled…Today if you were to meet me you would not know that I had no “formal or Normal” education…I know how to socialise and an not a freak! I can speak 3 languages fluently and yes I can read and write! How did I learn??? I just did!! People are so silly to think that only school can teach you these things!!! I often get people that ask me how I learnt to read if I did not go to school! My father believed in the school of life, and he would not of been able to live his dream if he was to put us to school! So he did not!
I had friends from all ages, growing up…We just had to make friends with who ever was there where ever we were! It was great!
So no, I did not miss out on all that stuff…But I did miss out on other things…having a group of girl friends my age, to live the same things with at the same times…I was not able to go to school when I was 18, as I have not had a formal education…I was lost amongst society, I did not know where my place was.
I love the idea on unschooling…But I dont want my daughter to go though what I had to! So we shall see…
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Georgia, I love this post! Although I dont currently plan to homeschool I know plenty who have and socialisation is pretty much the least of their issues
I think homeschooling is wonderful, but I really want to say I particulalrly love this post in regards to socialisation in kids. I really feel the ‘socialisation’ card is getting so overplayed these days (in regards to day care) and I also truly beleive in more community-type socialisation and mixing with all different ages. ive always strongly felt this and i looove how you articulated it. We are in a church community and i loved growing up feeling confident mixing with all different ages and types. When i was a teen, one of my very best friends was in her 40s. She was a mentor and huge blessing. My 3yr olds best friend is a 27yr old girl. 
she adores her and i adore seeing her free to mix w differnet ages. good stuff 
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